Now this is something we do not like to hear especially when we just got out of a toxic relationship where we find ourselves eager to get “boo’d” up again to prove to our previous partners that someone else appreciated what they took for granted; without necessarily getting completely over them like we make it seem [I know some of my sisters out here can relate].
Thoughts of spending a weekend, a holiday or even Valentine’s Day alone can be terrifying to most people. We picture all those lonely nights and zero phone calls from no significant other and those lonely walks we take to clear our heads only to see other happy couples showing some massive PDA. Aaarrghh! Heart wrenching right?
Listening to Pastor Michael Todd’s teachings on singleness gave me a wake-up call and greatly inspired this particular article. I just couldn’t stay silent on the points I carefully noted down and thought it wise to share and add my bits.
Let me get straight to it, taking time to enjoy and explore your season of singleness should not be so much of a bad idea. It could be fulfilling and a great contributor to your self-esteem and self-love. In this period you get to identify your vision, your purpose and most importantly, WHO YOU ARE WITHOUT A PERSON; because if you don’t know who you are as a person, you’ll keep on wrecking every relationship you get into [with blame shifting, never owning up to your actions, projecting your insecurities and fears onto your partner, etc] and sadly, you’ll always be needing someone else to validate who God created you to be.
Can I be religious for a minute? When we go straight to the Bible, God revealed himself to Abraham, David, Moses et al in a place of isolation [they were alone] and without a person. When we dive into Islam, we’ll see that Allah released His Archangel Jibril to Prophet Muhammad in cave Hira when he [the prophet] was alone and without a person. What am I trying to say, when you take time to be single after a disappointment, a failed relationship, a broken marriage or a terrible partnership; that is when God [your creator] reveals His purpose and vision for your life. Will you give God the chance to find you alone to reveal Himself and His purpose for you?
What I have come to realize about the current generation is that, we give so much power to our partners to approve, disapprove and validate who we are that we lose sight of what we were once passionate about; that business, the career, our jobs, our family, our ideas and most importantly our passion for life. We lose sight of our purpose because we are too busy looking for the next person to take the single tag off us so we could feel “COMPLETE” again. That’s toxic! Note that, no one can complete you but it’s only GOD and YOU that can make you complete. There is nothing important as learning to love yourself. No wonder we’re depressed all the time, no wonder we feel can never be enough as a single person because we’ve gotten used to the weekend sex with our boos, the cuddles, the walks, the checkups, the talks and the exchange of “I love yous” which we mostly do not understand. When you discover your purpose in life and work at it, you become satisfied as a single person and when you do enter into a relationship, you expect nothing from nobody and do not place too much responsibility on your spouse because you are already FULL and occupied with your PURPOSE. Can we stop being thirsty for people for once and be thirsty for our purpose to maximize on our singleness?
Another reason why it is good to spend time as a single person is that, you learn how to SET BOUNDARIES for yourself and others. Imagine a nation without strict borders and rules governing it; what would it be like? Chaotic, free entry and exit for people to do whatever they want whenever they please to deteriorate the state of the nation. A person without a STANDARD is just like this nation; plenty of room is created for people to walk in and out of your life to treat you however they please regardless of your emotions and project all of their flaws, insecurities and negativity on you. Spending time alone as a single individual makes you understand and identify what your needs and wants really are. you become aware of what or who you allow into your life because you know exactly how you expect to be treated and have the power to say NO to people who toy with your emotions without feeling bad about it [like you used to]. If you don’t have boundaries as a person before you enter into a relationship, the relationship will set boundaries for you and eventually, you’ll lose yourself. Always be full of yourself in a healthy way and do not settle for less!
I do have tons of reasons why we need to spend time as single people but not to make this piece lengthy, I’ll just end with this; you discover your IDENTITY and learn to appreciate your JOURNEY and PLACE in life. Knowing your identity involves appreciating your past mistakes and its lessons, UNDERSTANDING your present place in life and loving the future you’re yet to see and this involves neither seeking the approval of others in what you do nor accepting people’s perception of who you are. Knowing the answers to the “whys” in your life is the surest way to knowing oneself and to be at peace with who you are. When you know your identity; you become more confident, your self-esteem goes way up, you attract great people, you become more passionate about life and you get so much better regardless of who walks out of your life.
Always note that, your relationships will ONLY be as good as your singleness. When you think someone can complete you, you hurry to go be with them but if you are complete as a SINGLE person, you can be choosy and regulate the entry of the people you let in your life.
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