After years of struggling with self-esteem and self-confidence issues, I’d finally made it above the surface of the frozen ice that held my freedom back.
For the past 2 years, I was working on myself – learning to love myself for who I was and not letting the opinions of others define me. There were way too many times I felt numb inside and wanted to change it. For the past two years, it felt as if my body was de-thawing and melting after being frozen for years.
Even when I was dead inside, you reminded me of parts in myself I’d forgotten about, which actually amazed me because I didn’t think anyone could awaken anything inside of me seeing how dead I was inside.
I was understandably hurt when you exploded on me over a misunderstanding after you told me you had self-blame issues and hated who you were. But I loved who you were – your personality, spirit, hidden depth, and aspirations. So I wanted to help you find yourself and love who you are – not for my own benefit, but for your own benefit. Loving yourself gives you a sense of freedom.
You unintentionally woke up my heart at a time when my mind and body weren’t ready and it was beyond terrifying. The night I realized my feelings for you, I went to sleep. I tried so hard to shut it out for months.
We were friends and you were someone I thought I could trust telling my darkest secrets, fears and past to. Yet when the misunderstanding happened, you exploded on me and pressed every single insecurity button I used to have. It would have worked if I hadn’t had my breakthrough a few weeks prior to our fight. I’m actually grateful you refused to believe that I had a breakthrough because then you’d know which new buttons to press.
You were always going to assume the worst out of me no matter what I did. No matter how many times I tried to support you, listen to you, explain myself to you… you were always going to assume the worst.
Probably because in your eyes, I’m too good to be true.
After my breakthrough, I realized my worth and value as a person. It defined what I wanted to tolerate and who I wanted to keep in my life. Since you’d been there for me during my struggles as a friend, I thought you’d want to be there when I had my breakthrough. But I was very wrong. You aren’t going to be part of my future in any way, shape or form.
You were collecting insecurities of mine to use against me when you needed to win. That’s exactly what you showed when you misinterpreted me telling you that you needed to forgive yourself, including some of the mistakes you’d made that I knew bothered you deep down inside. You let those imperfections and mistakes define who you were.
But I never let any of your mistakes, imperfections, flaws define my perception of you. Loving someone is embracing all of the other person’s flaws and insecurities, which actually makes them more lovable. That’s real love.
In your case, I guess you can’t really love anyone if you don’t love yourself.
I knew through other peoples’ stories about your past, especially the fact you were a huge player and led so many girls on. I thought I was the exception to that rule because you never went that far with me. You held yourself back the second you were going to do that to me and I always appreciated it because it would have destroyed me- I just wasn’t ready. I was still healing from my own self-abuse and from the emotional abuse of others.
The part that hurts more is that you were never my friend. Friends don’t use their own insecurities against each other.
And it hurts to say that because I deserve better than someone intentionally pressing my own insecurity buttons, whether or not they cease to exist anymore. I’ve had too many people in my past like that. I no longer allow toxic people in my life.
And that includes you.
I’m definitely hurt. But what you did to me isn’t going to define who I am, what I want to be and where I want to me. And that makes me grateful for all of my accomplishments the past few years.